My mind has been very busy lately.. It has been very occupied by thoughts geared towards seeking answers I so desperately need and want. Ironically, and in His own good humor, God inspired my Pastor to preach on this topic today.
While there were some things to take and leave, one of the “takers” was how grief leaves a “God sized hole”. Hmm.. I would say that is quite fitting. For many people, when those we love deeply are taken we don’t understand. We want answers. We get angry. We want to blame. We know we have this amazing, powerful God that wants the best for us and has the power to allow for our losses to not occur, and yet He does. He allows for a baby to die in a mother’s swollen belly and doesn’t always reveal why. For many, myself included, it makes us flee Him initially instead of flock to Him. It means we are left with this huge, gigantic hole that we search and search and search for things trying to fill it, but ultimately all those things fail us. The answers we seek are not enough. The things we long for are not fulfilled. We are not satisfied with what we are told or learn. Nothing brings back our loved one and therefor nothing is enough.
I am currently reading the book, “I will carry you” about a mother who chose to carry her baby girl to term despite the knowledge that she would not survive once she was born. The book discusses her very spiritual journey. She spends a lot of time talking about Mary and Martha and the loss of their brother Lazerus. They discuss how even when Jesus comes to Martha and asks her to move that rock that blocks her brother’s tomb she questions Him. What about the stench?
I feel a lot like Martha these days. I feel like while I know of God’s tremendous powers and abilities in my life, that I don’t trust they are for me. I don’t trust that He is going to use these abilities to reveal my true desire on the other side of that rock, rather then just a rotten, deadly stench. Other people get those miracles, not me. And the author of the book discusses this and how we need to consider moving the boulder regardless. It isn’t about what is on the other side of the boulder. It is about the trust to move it and see. The trust that it will be exactly what is meant for us in one way or another. It may not be what we want, but part of a much greater plan for us.
I am deeply struggling with a need to find meaning in this pain that the suffering may somehow cease. I struggle to trust to move forward. Some of this is that I feel like I have not been able to formally say goodbye to my baby. I am stuck here with his cremated remains, and nothing was ever done to acknowledge him or his short life. And so I have asked the intern at church to help me plan a service for him. I feel like I owe it to him and I owe it to me.
Additionally, I made a memorial wall in my bedroom, dedicating it to my babies I have lost. It has quickly become my favorite room in my home and I will post pictures below.
And while that is all fine and good, I can’t help but wonder about trying again. I can’t help but LONG to try again to fill this incredible void that lives deep with in me. I don’t want to replace my dear Liam, but to give these empty arms something to hold. The reality is though, that emotionally I am not ready and will never be until I seek Him who can fill the void in a way that even a baby never will. How I am going to go about finding and seeking Him I don’t know, but I know it’s where I need to start.
In the mean time, I continue to seek the other answers. I see a reproductive endocrinologist in a few weeks and have multiple tests scheduled. I pray that something will be revealed to me amid these things as to what caused my multiple losses and how I may attempt to prevent that in the future.
Each day continues to be a struggle, but I am slowly coming to terms with this loss. It is not any easier to bear, but life has to go on and I am working to be patient with myself to do that.
I intend to continue to come here regularly to pour out my soul and search for meaning that may fall somewhere in my words as I type them.I hope you will continue to join me through this journey.
My Room : The bottem two pictures feature two drawings Matthew did for me. One when I was pregnant with Liam of a baby in my tummy and the other one he did after his death on a pamphlet for sunday school where inside a heart he drew something God had blessed us with or he wanted God to bless us with and he drew a baby.